Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
