i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This baby is an asshole
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
