Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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