I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize