You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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