Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
