I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
