im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
