I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
