i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
