I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
