I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
