update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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