All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
