he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
