rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
In America we eat man semen.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
