My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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