well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize