I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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