Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
