Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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