The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
