Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
