did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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