when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
