God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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