Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
