If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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