if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
