After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
