Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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