only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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