mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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