i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
how does that bad decision feel?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
