Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
