I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
