I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
