Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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