I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
