Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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