Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
