I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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