haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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