I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
