Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
