Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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