her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
