Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
organizing the empties. That sober.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
