this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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