it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
