I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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