Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
