to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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