Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
