Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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