just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
