The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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