I'm gonna have a badass scar
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
