I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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