You can't motorboat a personality
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize