Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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