if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You need Xanax blowdarts
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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