Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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