it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize